10 Confessions

Ok, to keep the blog rolling, some things that I have been chewing on, in addition to Ferguson, over the past few weeks: a little narcissistic sketch of my inner life.

1. I may be a theobrogian by birth.  I grew up on the CA coast: everyone I knew was a dude or bro. brojah, brojicima, lamer, boze, barn' - a host of local talk.  But I don't want to be a theobrogian unaware of my social position and white-supremacy in the world; not rigidly unable to decenter my own views and position, not tone deaf to other voices, especially those oppressed or hampered by the societal system I profit in.  

2. Last Sunday I tried to speak on Ferguson.  Woke up that morning from terrible nightmare.  Right before service, our host church had a domestic violence confrontation, but did so in a way that moved the conflict right in the middle of our Sunday school. Coincidence? There is a deep spiritual component to racism.  Prayer and action are inseparable.  I want to talk about it at church, but not online.  There are more, better places to learn from people who know.  Ill try and post up a bunch of links, but until then, check the Twitter.

3. But of course all that happened was normal: this is the way the world is, and church has to be a choice between escaping and dealing with the way this world is.  I am excited to study The New Jim Crow together.  The immigration issue still looms large for us.  I don't know how to grow in a way that brings folks along in this, and wonder why the Holy Spirit doesn't convict more.

4. I really don't know enough about Bultmann and Husserl.  I have always aspired to.  Now? Not so sure.  It really doesn't mean much to my church in a practical way, and I don't see it addressing the world's problems. What I really lack is any kind of political theology at all.

5. Weird conversations with family ahead around 2A supporters as racist - look how they abandoned Ferguson.  Also that the Washington football team name is racist...  People are quick to regard the power inherent in language as "P.C." to dismiss it.

6.  ISIS seriously challenges my nonviolent convictions.  Is it right to stand by without intervening on behalf of the Yazidi?  Are there other ways to intervene while people are being beheaded?  Is this, as the Pope opined, a justifiable use of force?  For how long?  What is a faithful, responsible nonviolent strategy?

7.  My inner life theology is screwed up.  I hear the call to lose my life as a denial that life is good.  So give it away.  By this distortion, it would be better if I were not here; more resources for everyone else.  I sometimes relate to God as a consumer of souls, not a provider.  Sin.  And weird sin.  I dont hear people talk about this feeling.

8. My fear is that people who are in ministry and screwed up are ultimately more successful and effective (faithful?) in the Kingdom of God.  It seems the more rigid and assured you are, the more you can accomplish.  I often feel like deep seated unresolved issues work themselves out as passion, dedication and energy for the mission.  So I know all these amazing people doing great things, with great platforms, but I don't trust them or feel safe around them.  But then, I don't feel effective, either.  I also feel too damn old to be worried about this.

May God bend out the kinks.